83 Quotes by Andy Borowitz

The hardest thing about life is that every now and then you have to do things so you have something to tweet about.

Every week Republicans are excited about a new candidate because the one they liked last week turned out to be a moron.

It used to be that people could be painfully boring in private. Facebook changed all that.

Let's not let a few dumb things Mitt Romney said in private overshadow the many idiotic things he's said in public.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

Weirdly, the people complaining about the healthcare website not working after three weeks were quiet about the Iraq war not working after eight years.

Call me a dreamer, but I think it would be great if getting medical attention were as easy as getting a gun.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.