233 Quotes by Billy Connolly

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass?

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I'm one of the school of people who don't do research of the reality of the thing or the unreality of the thing. In all the movies I've done, I've never done any research.

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.