175 Quotes by David Cross

Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm

Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.

I'm pretty happy. I obviously have complaints about things, but for the most part, I'm on the above-average side of happy people.

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.

What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?

If there are a couple of adjectives people use to describe me, anger is usually in there. I've never taken that as criticism. It's the way I naturally communicate. But I'm not faux-angry, like Lewis Black, or angry like a gun-toting crazy person. I'm just angry in a mild way - it's not like I'm going to do anything about it.