965 Quotes by David Letterman

Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it up in a doubleheader around Labor Day.

Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized George W. Bush a lot, but there was one thing he was very disciplined about, and that was getting his full eight years of sleep.

Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window.

Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.'

I worry about Rick Perry. One, he's too conservative, Two, his debating skills. And three ... Oh crap, what was three?

Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.

Herman Cain said, starting today, if you buy into his 9-9-9 plan, he'll throw in a free 32-ounce soda.