965 Quotes by David Letterman

This win today has so many interesting, worthy facets, ... Bobby touched on Buddy coming in, getting a good ride. Was there a stronger car in the field today? Was there a stronger driver in the field today? My God, Buddy just would not stop, and it was eating everybody alive. There's something about it, it was I think preordained certainly. You could feel it. You could feel it from the start of the race.

I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and with no other tool but their own minds and can make you laugh and maybe even think a little.

Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China

Obama said they've had some glitches with the Affordable Care website. I'll tell you something. If you order a pair of pants online and they send you the wrong color, that's a glitch. This is like a Carnival cruise, for God's sake!

Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to stay out of the limelight. Well, he's certainly come to the right place. He'll be fine here.

I go where Bobby goes, and he tells me what we're going to do and I say, sure, let's do it, ... But obviously, in the beginning, it was a disappointment not to be here.

Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel.

My retirement plan was in place but Bernie Maidoff with my money.

Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping.