965 Quotes by David Letterman

New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said, I've heard that for years.

Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.

To label Jason Randal a magician does a disservice. You'll think the laws of physics, nature, the universe itself have been suspended. He's as good as Houdini was at his best!

Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.

How about those Olympics, ladies and gentlemen. Didn't London look like the place to be? New York City was in the running for this Olympics. But here's what happened. We got outbribed.

Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book might upstage the Kerry campaign. I'm thinking, hell, day-old meat loaf could upstage that campaign.

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.