119 Quotes by Elayne Boosler

I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'

I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.

My belief is that guns are too easy to get in America. My belief is that the NRA has bought much of our congress, to the point that guns are actually the only unregulated consumer product in America. Think about that. It's stunning.

I'd much rather see Richard Pryor or Jackie Mason in a theater than in a club.

Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.

I never minded flying cheap. I always said to myself, 'Taking this flight saves enough money to rescue four dogs, or six cats, or will let me make a difference to the one woman saving chimps in Cameroon.'