530 Quotes by Erma Bombeck

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.

Every puppy should have a boy.