357 Quotes by Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.