15 Quotes by Henry Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said ""Cough!

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake'.

I take my wife everywhere I go. She always finds her way back.

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner....

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says ""You're crazy"" The man says ""I want a second opinion!"" ""Okay, you're ugly too!

A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!