29 Quotes by Jack Handey

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions? - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)

Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat.

I wonder if the polite thing to do is always the right thing to do. When I met the family from Japan, they all bowed. I pretended like I was going to bow, but then I just kept going and flipped over on my back. I did this five times. I think they got the point.

I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out west and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, 'Looking for gold, ya durn fool.' He'd say, 'Your pick is gold.' And I'd say, 'well, that was easy.' Good joke, huh?

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, What am I doing?!

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes & dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.'

It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something. - (Deep Thoughts) Saturday Night Live