181 Quotes by Jack Handy

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary.

I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.

I bet when neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, 'Don't forget the thick, heavy brows.' Then they would get all embarrassed because they remembered they had the big husky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.