504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

Ever noticed that no matter what happens in one day, it exactly fits in the newspaper?

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

I was in front of an ambulance the other day, and I noticed that the word ambulance was spelled in reverse print on the hood of the ambulance. And I thought, Well, isn't that clever. I look in the rear-view mirror; I can read the word ambulance behind me. Of course while you're reading, you don't see where you're going, you crash. You need an ambulance. I think they're trying to drum up some business on the way back from lunch.

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?

The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.