226 Quotes by Johnny Carson

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.