305 Quotes by Mike Birbiglia

Every sleep doctor I've talked to said it was an urban legend that you shouldn't wake up a sleepwalker. All that will happen is that you will get condescended to.

I almost can't even put to words how happy I am that I got married.

First time films are hard. Even with some of the greatest directors, you look back at their first film, and you are just going, 'That movie is kind of bad.'

You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists.

There's something about small venues that's amazing for developing material. It's almost like you can not only hear people's response, but you can understand it. In bigger venues you lose that, but you gain this sense of camaraderie in the audience.

Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.

There's nothing funny the first time about telling a story about getting beat up and it makes you leave high school.

My friends drink everywhere. They even drink at the laundromat. I tried drinking at the laundromat, and I thought I was in a submarine, navigating the Sea of White Panties with my Spanish-speaking crew. I was like, "Mrs. Sanchez, set the coordinates to Permanent Press! Give me some quarters and another drink! This place is starting to look like a laundromat."

I sometimes think of not doing Twitter or Facebook anymore, but that's how people find their favorite bands and comedians.