339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do! I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you."

We live in Los Angeles, where you are expected to move every two to four years, so people can see how well your career is going.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

You know it's love when you want to keep holding hands even after you're sweaty.

Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror.

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.