218 Quotes by Robert Orben

My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she's as old as I am. Then she lies about my age.

A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs. Then I tasted baby food.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.

Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

Live your life so that if someone says 'Be yourself' it's good advice.

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world