330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.