330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

You can't cheat an honest man.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.