330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.