There's nothing more contagious than the laughter of young children; it doesn't even have to matter what they're laughing about.

The ones who constantly make us laugh are the hardest of friends to know - for comedians are the caricatures among us.

I will never deny that life isn't fair. It seems as though when a woman leaves a man she is strong and independent, but when a man leaves a woman he is a pig and a jerk.

You are evidence of your mother's strength, especially if you are a rebellious knucklehead and regardless she has always maintained her sanity.

The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies.

Respect? Of course, always, to all, because everything seems funnier when you're trying to show respect.

I am not sure if women are attracted to genius. Can you imagine the wise wizard winning the woman over the gallant swordsman? It seems rather otherworldly in more ways than one.

I treat my thoughts like an old person treats their valuables: I cannot for the life of me proceed to throwing them out.

Some things are so silly they have a certain brilliance to them. Other things, set as standards for brilliance and therefore exalted by many who don't know why, become tarnished because of it.