Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm

I really don't have a problem with gay marriage... because I'm tolerant and rational.

I have always tried to use humor to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But as I was reading this, there were two empty seats next to me. Why can't sick kids sit there? If they're so concerned with sick kids, shouldn't they have like a pen of sick kids next to the gate?

I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are...

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You're just inconvenienced.