99% of all problems can be solved by money -- and for the other 1% there's alcohol.

A friend told me that one day he and I would be rich and famous. I told him that I'd trade my half of the fame, for his half of the money.

A woman on an online dating site asked if I'd ever had an STD. I told her my high school prom date was named 'Chlamydia.

I'm not frightened by the advent of intelligent machines. It's the sarcastic ones that worry me.

God doesn't send atheists to Hell -- there's no room with all the Christians down there.