316 Quotes About Funny-and-random

I said to my friend, "Why do you smoke (cigarettes)?"He replied, "Because I like to put myself on the line for the welfare and safety of others."I astonishingly said, "Sorry, I didn't get your point."He replied, "I want a cigarette-free world. Therefore, I am trying my best to end all the cigarettes from the world.

ROSA MET ME at the door with a shotgun. Strictly speaking, not aimed at me, but you don’t really have to aim a sawed-off shotgun. She swung it toward me. “You, get in there.” She turned her attention to the crowd. “The rest of you will take a number and have a seat.” Her paperwork skills might have been lousy, but her personal touch was something I aspired to.

After reading some of my stories, I once had a friend say to me, "I'd love to spend five minutes in your head to see what's going on in there." I warned them, "If you spent five seconds in my mind you'd probably run out screaming and never speak to me again.

I accidentally punched myself in the face, while trying to pull up the blanket & If this doesn't accurately describe my life, I don't know what does.

Everyone thinks they're entitled to their 15 minutes of fame. And it's that narcissism that makes people, who have no business writing a book, think they can write a book.

if you've ever been to an old-timey museum, you've seen those silly portrait paintings that vain noblemen of by-gone eras used to plaster all over the walls of their pompous mansions.Today, thanks to social media, people can take pointless pictures and pollute the world with their dumb shit faster than ever before. Progress!

People who have absolutely nothing interesting or unique to say think writing a book will make them interesting. They think when they tell people "I'm a writer" it sounds cooler than if they say "I clean houses for a living.

Memory is like a box of chocolates. They disappear quickly.

To really know a person criticize his god. And he'll show you who he is not.