5,226 Quotes About Humour

There is nothing better for man to manage his own affairs.

I'd recently finished reading a management tome which seemed to be aimed at psychopaths with no common sense (quite a dangerous combination).

Inconvenience in progress, work is regretted.

My greatest strength is an unfocused mind. This is because while you are all thinking of one idea, I’m thinking of five different ideas. My greatest weakness however is an unfocused mind. This is because while I’m supposed to be thinking about one thing, I’m actually thinking of five other things.

Being a bad parent is a sign of not having learned from experience.

Being divorced does not necessarily make one’s advice on marriage useless … or useful.

Stupid werewolf ninja sperm.

The Brit's face shares a heritage with a junkyard butt-sniffing mutt. It's a hard-earned moonshine mug, dotted with a hairy mole that looks like a rat's been gnawing on it. His beard looks like a white sneeze. The teeth are jagged and out of alignment, having opened quarts at Jiffy Quick Lube for half a decade.

Many obese people spend a significant amount of their energy on suppressing the urge to tell some of the people who are staring at them that they do not eat as much and as frequently as they seem to.