I'm not a star.

And it’s tough traveling. You know, the hotels and the airports and all that. That part, eating and getting around to the hotel room and then going on.

You have to have a certain persona to be a star, you know, and I don’t have that. I’m a banana.

Funny is when you’re serious.

And I'll tell you somebody else who was a straight man and considers himself a straight man and describes himself as one, Cary Grant.

Funny is when you're serious.

Using Viagra is like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

People who become comedians… come from pain, come from conflict.

Tape Seinfeld for me.

Men, you are about to embark on a great crusade to stamp out runaway decency in the west. Now you men will only be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Supporting Actor.