58 Quotes by Bob Monkhouse

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

What do gardeners do when they retire?

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

Although I have always loved the noise of laughter, I really can't fear the coming of quiet. As for funerals, I rather like them. Such nice things are always said about the deceased, I feel sad that they had to miss hearing it all by just a few days.

I told them I wanted to be a comedian, and they laughed; I became a comedian, no one's laughing now

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.