330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

I never drink water... fish f**k in it.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.