You aren’t married married until three days into a discussion about if getting a toaster oven would be worth sacrificing the counter space.

In a couple of years it will be revealed that Donald Trump is actually a character invented by Sacha Baron Cohen to wind up everyone.

If the devil has a pitchfork and the grim reaper has a scythe, agriculture must be a huge industry in the underworld.

- Mr. Alakbarov, how much is the rent for this fantastic apartment?- Madam, this is the red wine aisle of the grocery store.

Chicken salad with egg in it is very interesting way to eat two generations.

I once went to a restaurant and ordered a chicken salad sandwich and an egg salad sandwich to see which would come first.

Fool me once, shame on you.Fool me twice, shame on me.Fool me 50,000 times, you're a weatherman.

To the racist trolls complaining about my tweets. Sorry, I'm not justifying your monthly subscription of £0.00

I love summer in Glasgow, it's my favourite day of the year.