In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.