316 Quotes About Funny-and-random

The wider you spread your fingers apart while clapping is equal to the amount of retarded you look while clapping.

If you’re listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday.I’d like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun—I’m afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago.""Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?

so this crow comes and it starts quacking at us.

When they figure out how to bottle up orgasms and sell them as a food additive, I'll be first in line.

Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!

The tram almost ran me over when I tried to cross the street. The exhilaration made me remember the vials of Jägermesiter I had bought exactly for a moment like this.

Me?” Bloody Fingers asked with mock surprise. “Of course not! You’ve never met anyone named Giacomo in your life, I promise you that.