5,372 Quotes About Sex

Apes have a wide variety of sexual arrangements. That means, by the way, that there is no such thing as an “ape legacy” that humans are doomed to live by.

A woman’s magazine quiz:Question: You decide to do the dread deed and just as things are starting to get hot he comes, rolls over, and asks, “Was it good for you?”You:a. Say, “God, yes! That was the best seventeen seconds of my life”b. Say, “Sure, as good as it gets for me with a man.”c. Put a Certs in your navel and say, “That’s for you, Mr. Bunnyman. You can have it on your way back up, after the job is finished

That shit where the dark, dashing stranger comes in and charms the pants off a bartender, literally, and fucks her at break time in the bathroom or in a back alley or closet? Only happens in the movies, or on cable TV. In real life, it takes months and an actual friendship to be able to fuck your bartender, and even then it’ll have to be done on the sly. Shit’s bad for business.

Men know that most women want to have an emotional connection with someone before they sleep with them. Men know that a lot of women think it's romantic to be friends first, and then the friendship blossoms into a relationship. Men know that they have to jump through all these hoops first, before they can get laid. And that's really all romance and courtship is to a man: hoops he has to jump through to get laid.

Most women sell sex; most of them just don’t take cash (nor do they each sell to more than one ‘client’ at a time).

There would definitely be way fewer instances of cheating, if the average couple did not have sex only when the woman feels like it.

Your boss takes a dim view of SEX?

A woman can become a man's friend only in the following stages - first an acquantaince, next a mistress, and only then a friend.

Jesus is baffled by Tinder. He wants to love his matches, but is strictly celibate. The Holy Ghost does all of Jesus’ fucking for him. Apparently, Jesus calls his penis Lazarus because he has to raise it from the dead. It takes a miracle to get it up. Only torture porn gets him hard.