Most modern comedy is crap.

If I want to look half decent, a blow dry is a godsend. I'm crap at doing my own hair.

It's just a crap shoot. You go to Vegas and you put your money on number 17. There is no lesson to be learned from all this. It doesn't mean a thing.

If you're gonna do well and you want to be a part of a team that's going to win, and all the things that you want to do in your career, that outside stuff just comes with it, ... It's great. I'd rather it be like that than it was in Montreal, where nobody really even gave a crap about the team winning.

Whatever crap they were doing in New Orleans, they're doing here.

I just make crap up more than anything else.

Generally, magicians don't know what to say, so they say stupid and redundant crap like, 'Here I am holding a red ball.'

The main differences between contemporary English and American literature is that the baleful pseudo-professionalism imparted by all those crap M.F.A. writing programs has yet to settle like a miasma of standardization on the English literary scene. But it's beginning to happen.

We're just starting to hit the crap out of the ball.

The last person in the UK who described his product as being crap in public was one Gerald Ratner - and he was gone immediately.