1,680 Quotes About Comedy

I want the rip the donut hole center out of the donut and eat it kind of love that fills me up with the bittersweet gift of life.

I killed a fruit fly that wouldn't get out of my face by clapping my hands on it. In its last act of kamikaze defiance, the fly hurled its fading carcass into a coffee I had only half-drunk and was enjoying. I had to pour it down the drain. F***er.

The best birth control is pregnancy.

If there's one thing I have, my friends, it's a gigantic pair of balls and those balls produce sperm that makes amazing, responsible, loving and kind, but ridiculously courageous and tough, badass children. Just sayin', just sayin', because I speak in facts and there are four facts that I need to state and they are one word each: Jayden, Jaxson, Owen and Finley.

I now pronounce you all dead as fuck. You may now suck my dick

Pie is the future.

Can we hurry up and get some black subscribers, so we don't look so racist?

Smile! You're on 'Candid Fuck-Off'!

Question: 'Do you have any trouble using fingers?' Answer: 'Yes, I wish I fingered more chicks.