I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and slammed it shut. I shouldn’t have come. I should have waited outside for Jack, told him my family had leprosy, and sent him on his merry way. After I boinked him in my new car.

It takes a while for the heat to work in this piece of shit, but when it kicks in, you’ll sweat like a fat whore at confession.

Will you guys by okay?" I asked granny and BFF."Oh, hell yeah. We're gonna play Twister and then try on wigs and girdles," Granny informed us.

We need to pull over now," she screeched as she gagged. "Paper is not supposed to be made out of poop.

I’ll say,” Pam chimed in with an enormous eye roll.“I’m pretty sure you just rolled your eyes so hard you checked out your own ass,” I snapped." - Fashionably Dead and Wed by Robyn Peterman.

Astrid, did you grow a penis?” my Uncle asked, forgetting his dilemma as he stared in surprise at the unsightly bulge poking out of my ever-shrinking attire.“No,” I shouted as he blanched and backed…" - A Fashionably Dead Christmas by Robyn Peterman

Hanks grin almost sent me into meltdown. The kind where I killed him, but first I would stick my tongue down his throat and ride him till he was blind.

Her eyes narrowed, but she wasn't yelling.I think she liked me... kind of. The way a mother would like an annoying spastic two year old who belonged to someone else.

Don't know. Never let a wolf near my neck." He grinned and gave me a quick hug. "I love you, Essie. Before you came into my life, I had considered ending myself. Three hundred years is a long time to be alone. You've given me hope, a career as a drag queen and a dysfunctional family. I am supremely grateful. Bite me."And because I trusted him....I did.

He said they've literally set up a camp across the street from the hotel and they have signs and bullhorns and the kind of Christian attitude that makes God puke.