1,680 Quotes About Comedy

Jesus is baffled by Tinder. He wants to love his matches, but is strictly celibate. The Holy Ghost does all of Jesus’ fucking for him. Apparently, Jesus calls his penis Lazarus because he has to raise it from the dead. It takes a miracle to get it up. Only torture porn gets him hard.

Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.

Be careful not to appear obsessively intellectual. When intelligence fills up, it overflows a parody.

4 months and I outlive Jesus!

Ms. Fang is the nicest, sweetest teacher at Scary School. She only ate twelve kids last year.

Staring at my smoldering hot date, her husband stands tall for the first time in a decade, adjusting his toupee while flashing a horrid green toothy grin that looks more like a Steven Hawkins muscle spasm. In his hands, a frightened beer bottle is choked with the steel grip of a sexually repressed Preacher.

A lot of people come up here and they thank Jesus for this award. I want you to know that no one had less to do with this award than Jesus. He didn't help me a bit. If it was up to him, Cesar Millan would be up here with that damn dog. So all I can say is, 'suck it, Jesus! This award is my God now'!

Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in the dark and fall down laughing at themselves. I know which kind of guy I'd rather be. So do my friends.

Well, enough of this introspection. It’s depressing, quite frankly.